I've been debating on whether or not I should create this post but this particular subject has been weighing on my heart for a few days. Usually I write based off of how I'm feeling and when something keeps tugging at my heart, I KNOW that it is imperative for me to talk/write about it. 

I am not here as your personal object is an ode to my former self. To make a long story short, I battled with low self esteem and depression. I was at my lowest point from the ages of 17-21. I carried around so much hurt, sadness and anger inside of my heart during this period of time. I literally felt trapped within my own mind, within my own body, and I did not know how to get out. I wanted to be liked and accepted by so many different people but I could barely accept myself. RECORD BREAK 

Let's take a look at this again: I wanted to be liked and accepted by so many different people but I could barely accept myself. Now I can admit that with sheer honesty but during my low point, admitting that I was struggling to like myself was something that I'd never talk about. I remember candidly trying to be the girl that boys went crazy over. I craved the attention so I tried to dress and talk a certain way. I wanted to be the girl who everyone was friends with so I started to allow people into my space who I knew were talking about me but were popular so I tried to pretend that I didn't know. I wanted everyone else to like and accept me but I could barely accept myself.

In just three short months I realize that the cycle of wanting to be liked and accepted turned into wanting to be LOVED and accepted. I tried to be the PERFECT girlfriend: supportive, encouraging, loving, kind, intelligent, loving, respectful and understanding. I was still trying to accept who I was as a person and be comfortable with it so I was still battling myself in order to be this idea of perfection in order for some guy to STAY in a relationship with me. But you see, funny thing about battling myself in order to be PERFECT for someone else is that I was still losing myself to the idea of what I thought I needed to be in order to be ACCEPTED. After my relationship ended, I started to blame myself for not being good enough again. Three days turned into an entire month of feeling inadequate and as if II would never find someone who would accept me, good and bad alike. It wasn't until the end of that one month of slipping back into insecurity that I realized that one thing was still missing. I still hadn't fully accepted myself!

So in retrospect, I am in the process of dating myself. I buy myself flowers. I take myself on dates, doing things that make me happy. I pray/meditate a lot more than I've done and I've come to find out that I actually like who I am and even more so, I love who I am becoming. I am a woman who has sat in a sink hole of darkness that should have killed me but here I am, blogging away and being this joyful, hopeful, peaceful person. I'm also this emotional person and I love that. I speak my mind when something doesn't feel right and I don't feel ashamed of that. I get my hair done FOR ME. I get my nails done FOR ME. I've come into my own sense of style and it works FOR ME. 

I am NOT your personal object. I am not like clay, easy to mold and break. I know how it feels to break and I am not going back to that place for the sake of being deemed acceptable by someone else who is made of flesh and bones just as I am. I am not your idea of perfection and never will be. But I sure am pretty amazing in my own eyes and as Maya Angelou said, "I walk like I've got oil wells pumping in my living room" and "I laugh like I've got gold mines diggin' in my own backyard." How about "I dance like I've got diamonds at the meeting of my thighs?" I am a woman who is COMFORTABLE in her skin and PROUD of who she is. I revel in the new found joy of being confident and feeling accepted by myself. I don't have to look or be a certain way outside of how I feel because who is meant to come into my life and stay will do just that. 

I am NOT your personal object. In fact, I no longer care to be your definition of perfection. I am not free from flaw. I have a story that will make your heart crumble. I have a story that will cause your eyes to divert from mine and I stand fiercely in it. I do not need saving or fixing. I do not need a knight in shining armor to come save my day because I've already worked out this deal with God and he does much more than a mere soul on earth can. Coupled with his will and my personal acceptance of myself, I do not need to be your personal object. I am a woman filled to the brim with complexities and it's beautiful TO ME. 

To my former self I say, "thank you." Thank you for allowing me to break because within my cracked shell, I found ME. You still rock girl and you've turned me into a woman who walks confidently without feeling that I need a man or anyone else to complete me. As I finally close our walk together, know that you will never be forgotten. It's just time for us to break apart because I am NOT here as your personal object either.