I haven't been actively dating anyone except for myself and in the process of getting to know myself, I've still been nursing old wounds from my last relationship. My heart has broken over and over at the thought of being excited to become some man's wife. I mean, I had my nose in bible scriptures about how to be a good wife but I was so focused on how to please someone else that I put myself on the back burner. I even took the blame for anything wrong that happened in the relationship and well, let's just say that didn't go so well. I became the enemy; an insecure, nagging ex-fiancee of someone who once cherished me and I was willingly taking on those titles. Before I could fully submerge myself into my familiar role of being the one at fault and the one who is never good enough, something inside of me literally snapped and I FOUND MY VOICE! I TOOK BACK MY POWER and it damn near scared me because I couldn't recognize this woman who refused to be verbally abused and emotionally overlooked. I became the woman who isn't anyone's scapegoat or punching bag.


Needless to say sometimes I still hurt because the disconnection that I feel is a very real thing but I digress, the woman that I've always wanted to be doesn't feel like being put on the back burner anymore. Sure, I still cry over a love that was lost but I also revel in the fact that I can feel myself and I marvel at the fact that I can hear myself. The voice that asks me who do I think that I am for sharing my story and daring to walk in positivity despite the hurt that comes to visit me sometimes is being answered back with, "why shouldn't I be happy?" I am a woman who experiences a wide range of emotions but this time I don't beat myself up for it. I feel whatever comes and then I move on.


All of this to say, going forward I will continue loving on myself and being the best love that I've ever encountered. No one can on Earth can love me the way that I can and I think that makes me pretty damn special. Earlier I asked myself if I was good enough for the type of relationship that I desire, specifically because my ex has moved on and I'm still playing Nurse Betty to my wounds, and I couldn't hear myself think because my heart was hurting. But instead of getting angry, I went through the motions and I held my hand through the rough moment. When the clouds in my head cleared, I thought about all of the things that make me who I am. I thought about all of the things that I love about me and I knew that I had my answer. I am more than good enough for the type of relationship that I desire. I am deserving of joy, peace, respect and love combined. I don't have to ask for permission to receive and give those things in abundance.


I could very well let the actions of my ex and our love story gone horribly wrong (like, gone with the wind wrong) confirm that I'm somehow unlovable and will always remain broken but I like being a woman who knows that her resilience as well as patience with herself has gotten her through hell and back. I don't want another guy reveling in his self imposed, self righteous blurb of "I'm not like other men" in my space. I don't want another guy trying to play a superhero instead of just being his damn self. The shoes that I am filling in my life are a size 8 in women's and I'm not looking to have my hand held throughout life as if I'm too fragile for something real.