CLEARING THE AIR

Write a letter or note to address that difficult conversation you've  been avoiding.  Say what you need to say to the person you need to say it to.  Perhaps writing it for this challenge will give you the courage to address it in real life.

After reading today's challenge prompt, my heart sank to the bottom of my stomach and I realized that I knew exactly who I wanted to address my letter to. My memories didn't even give me a chance to object. Never mind the sheer anxiety, confusion, anger and sadness that washed over me. My memories are demanding that I address this person for today's challenge. I knew that this self-discovery challenge would stretch me and guide me out of my comfort zone but I didn't know at what point I'd have to stare at the dirty, haunting memory that is forever etched in my brain. But here we are. What's eery about today's challenge is that this one particular memory occurred at the age of 17...I don't believe in coincidences anymore.


Dear Light Bright,

If I would have known what I know now, I would have stayed far away from you but because I was naive, trying to figure out how to nurse open wounds and navigate through high school, I chose you. I chose you because you were something new and exciting. You took my mind off of the troubles in my world and reminded me that 17 year old girls shouldn't have the carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. You listened to me and comforted me...which is why I chose you. I never knew that choosing you would eventually come at a painful price but as long as I had you then it didn't matter at the time.

I will never forget the same comforting voice I heard ringing through my ears that clashed with the anger and force in your actions. I will never forget forgetting how to think, cry or even breathe for a short while. I will never forget forgetting myself due to choosing you. I denied that something was wrong for a long time. I couldn't see, think or feel that something wasn't the same about me...not until the questions started to come. It's amazing that back then, when I first acknowledged what happened to me, I couldn't remember for a short while. It never occurred to me that I couldn't remember because my inner child-like nature WOULDN'T LET ME remember. She tried to protect me because she knew that the truth would consume me.

I was angry...but not at you because in my mind you didn't do anything wrong. After all, I was the one who chose you. I carried around so much guilt and shame in my stomach until I lost my appetite. The weight of this painful memory plagued my mind so until I could no longer hold my head up. I wanted out of my skin...out of my life. Choosing you led to my demise and I shuffled through life, ashamed of me. I felt like everyone could see and I thought they were ridiculing me just as you eventually did.

I never thought that I'd see you again in life, 6 years later but life has a funny way of making you face past turmoil. It's funny because for a split second I forgot that I was a grown woman and that I no longer chose you. But this time my memories shouted loud and clear, "YOU ARE PRESENT AND HE IS NO LONGER WELCOME!" You see, after losing myself by choosing you, I went through a long journey of seeking who I am without you. I even went as far as forgiving you and you know what? Finally I do forgive you. My thoughts, my feelings and my senses are no longer a prisoner of the fact that I made the decision to choose you. You are nothing more than a memory and might I say thank you? I forgot to mention that choosing you introduced me into the beautiful and stunning woman that I am today. I mean, I am literally amazing and I revel in that.

I will never know why your 'comfort' included you wanting to break me but you see, the way my God is set up, you don't have that much power over me anymore.

I hope that you've grown in peace and faced your own inner demons but I am no longer responsible for housing them. Good-bye, old friend.

Somehow after typing this and daring to be transparent, I feel...relieved. I feel like laughing until tears roll down my cheeks because I can feel again. I haven't let myself really feel in such a long time and to not feel like a prisoner within myself anymore...why, it is the best feeling in the world. Today's challenge challenged me to FEEL and this time I gave in. I let myself do just that and it wasn't so bad. Earlier I said that I didn't believe in coincidences anymore and I don't. I believe in God aligning things up as they are meant to happen...opening you up to yourself, to love and your right to feel in this life.