The past two weeks have reminded me of something important that I managed to lose sight of…and it also gave me something that I thought I’d lost a long time ago.
I’ll be honest. I was beginning to become selfish. I made a list of the goals that I wanted to accomplish in 2015 and I was adamant about not letting anything get in the way of what I wanted. I didn’t write anything else into my plans because I was so certain that I knew how 2015 would sort of pan out. I felt as if I was on the right track too! I found myself still being employed, inching closer to receiving my first degree and visiting a place that I want to eventually move to. 2015 was off to a truly great start…
I didn’t plan on losing another person this year but life has a way of reminding us that people do not belong to us. I selfishly incorporated them into my life as if they would stay around for a while and didn’t think twice about the fact that anything can happen. I did not know that I’d be saying goodbye to another person this year. There were not enough great moments in 2015 that could have prepared me for this loss.
There are days where I can’t remember the date or even the day of the week. It seems as if life has temporarily sped up and slowed down at the same time, an odd sensation to feel yet here I am. It doesn’t make sense and I suppose it is not my job to completely understand why a baby’s life was chosen to end. I could share countless memories of my nephew with you but I’ll say this: I think that he was an angel who came to teach as many lessons in one year as he possibly could.
When my second grandfather passed, I admittedly lost my faith a bit. When I heard myself tell my nephew that he would always be loved and taken care of, I found that the same faith I once looked for has always lived within me. For some odd reason, I trust God’s decision this time. This doesn’t mean that my heart doesn’t ache and it doesn’t mean that I understand why this loss had to occur. It simply means that I'm going to try my hardest to go through this process. In just one year I have learned the most important lessons in my life. Because of the time I was granted to witness the miracle that was in the form of my nephew, I’m learning the importance of:
1. Cherishing my loved ones
2. Appreciating the moments where I laugh uncontrollably
3. Finding the strength to smile everyday
4. Being unselfish with my time
5. Leaving my heart open towards others
6. Exercising patience, especially during the extremely difficult moments
7. Remembering not to run too far ahead of God.
8. Trusting myself as an adult
Because of this sweet angel that I came to know for a short while, I'm finding out that I have more strength and more room in my heart than I thought I had. I can picture his bright smile before anything else and I feel that his spirit still lives on. God makes no mistakes and sometimes he takes people away from us, not to hurt us but to open our eyes to a bigger picture. I will continue to smile, for my sake and for the sake of knowing that I now have three guardian angels watching over me.
In 8 days, everything that I thought I was sure of has been tested and pulled in many directions. However, there is not a doubt in my mind that the best parts of me are my ability to be an empath, a listener and a giver. I can say this: my sweet baby boy showed me the way without me fully realizing it and for that, I am forever grateful.